weariness or just avoiding

i feel quite weary today.

one saturday or sunday, i got out of bed around 1300, which means that i slept about 11 hours.
i couldn't help wondering it's about some compensation or it's just some sort of escaping thing.

to put it simply, i don't know what to do.

so, i quit the current job. then get another one? start a company? try to win an award? so on and so on.

i may will need to have instant noodles more than i do now.


so vague.





 

day 10

this is me, that is not.

I’ve already forgot what I was intended to say a few seconds ago.

most likely something moody or sentimental.

rain drops are tic-tac-ing outside; some car just went by.

I’m not sure what I should’ve done, but I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have any similar feeling as I do toward her.

so, it’s better that I didn’t do anything further.

yet I can not stop thinking of it, what if, what if, and so on.

a bottle of jinro, an access to smoke, a few of her pictures, I do not know what I should do.

actually nothing. I can do nothing about it. they are leaving. she’s leaving.

I didn’t feel anything that she’s fond of me in anyway.

too bad, well, for me.

sometimes even you knew it’s like that but when it eventually really happens, it’s somehow still quite difficult to take with easeness.

I gaze at pictures of her that I took, questioning myself if I missed something so important….. but you know what? it doesn’t matter. and I don’t think that I’m gonna know the truth.

truth. what is that?

all is in my head, dwelling with full of imagination and desire; you wanna bear a hope, you’re gonna be ready to take the despair.

music: Mélanie Laurent, En t’attendant.

day 7

time is passing in a very fast pace.
it's not  even possible to get to bed before one.

i don't know how she feels, but i do like being with her.


smile.


 

day-4

I threw up big time last night. I threw up quite a few stuffs, that actually I was surprised there could be so much amount of room in my stomach for stuffs. When that happened, i was still in front of my desk and it really came out very quickly....... which means I kinda spilt all the way till the sink in the toilet. How drunk was I? Long story short, it still smells vomit so far in my flat and didn't go to work this morning.

On the way to work this afternoon in the metro, I saw a black guy probably weary. I assumed that he was because of work. Then I looked at myself, even more bombed, but because of drinking.
That got me thinking several rounds already till now.
Actually in as far as I can recall, quite rarely did I work so hard that I worn myself out, instead, more than often I just drove myself into exhaustion with alcohol. I am wondering why?
Why after all? Does it make any sense?

At least I don't get it by now.