There’re things that i can only share with those who don’t know me

There're things that i can only share with those who don't know me.

It's like that.

What about you?

  

weariness or just avoiding

i feel quite weary today.

one saturday or sunday, i got out of bed around 1300, which means that i slept about 11 hours.
i couldn't help wondering it's about some compensation or it's just some sort of escaping thing.

to put it simply, i don't know what to do.

so, i quit the current job. then get another one? start a company? try to win an award? so on and so on.

i may will need to have instant noodles more than i do now.


so vague.





 

day 10

this is me, that is not.

I’ve already forgot what I was intended to say a few seconds ago.

most likely something moody or sentimental.

rain drops are tic-tac-ing outside; some car just went by.

I’m not sure what I should’ve done, but I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have any similar feeling as I do toward her.

so, it’s better that I didn’t do anything further.

yet I can not stop thinking of it, what if, what if, and so on.

a bottle of jinro, an access to smoke, a few of her pictures, I do not know what I should do.

actually nothing. I can do nothing about it. they are leaving. she’s leaving.

I didn’t feel anything that she’s fond of me in anyway.

too bad, well, for me.

sometimes even you knew it’s like that but when it eventually really happens, it’s somehow still quite difficult to take with easeness.

I gaze at pictures of her that I took, questioning myself if I missed something so important….. but you know what? it doesn’t matter. and I don’t think that I’m gonna know the truth.

truth. what is that?

all is in my head, dwelling with full of imagination and desire; you wanna bear a hope, you’re gonna be ready to take the despair.

music: Mélanie Laurent, En t’attendant.

day-16 +3 days

seriously, i think i do have only some slim control on myself.
am i stressed? or not? by some stupid shits? was i stressed? or not? stupid shits are not supposed to make you stressed, or are they?

i'm experiencing some medium level of stomach ache, probably caused by too fresh soda or the stress.
what stress? why are you stressed?

it's the third day that i haven't drunk. i'm not smoking either.
there's no love, thus there's no suffering, either.
somehow it feels like my identity is crashing into itself or just simply collapses.

Dr. Bolo said that there's nothing to worry about. i assume that he has officially regarded me as one of those people who think they are sick but they are not.
should i feel fine after the consulting? but i do feel the uneasiness and minor pain.
he also said that drinking alcohol was not leading to those symptoms that i was talking about.


whatever





 

to be what they want or to be what you want?