day-4

I threw up big time last night. I threw up quite a few stuffs, that actually I was surprised there could be so much amount of room in my stomach for stuffs. When that happened, i was still in front of my desk and it really came out very quickly....... which means I kinda spilt all the way till the sink in the toilet. How drunk was I? Long story short, it still smells vomit so far in my flat and didn't go to work this morning.

On the way to work this afternoon in the metro, I saw a black guy probably weary. I assumed that he was because of work. Then I looked at myself, even more bombed, but because of drinking.
That got me thinking several rounds already till now.
Actually in as far as I can recall, quite rarely did I work so hard that I worn myself out, instead, more than often I just drove myself into exhaustion with alcohol. I am wondering why?
Why after all? Does it make any sense?

At least I don't get it by now.





 

day-10

Stashing some alcohol makes me feel secured in a way.
Yet this evening when I was on my way back to my place, holding 2 bags of bottles, thinking of the amount of money I just spent on them, I felt kinda guilty.
Which sucks.

What am I supposed to do then?



And what's more difficult later will be how I stop emptying that bottle I opened.
"it's only for dinner....."

or maybe it's not only.




 

day-16 +3 days

seriously, i think i do have only some slim control on myself.
am i stressed? or not? by some stupid shits? was i stressed? or not? stupid shits are not supposed to make you stressed, or are they?

i'm experiencing some medium level of stomach ache, probably caused by too fresh soda or the stress.
what stress? why are you stressed?

it's the third day that i haven't drunk. i'm not smoking either.
there's no love, thus there's no suffering, either.
somehow it feels like my identity is crashing into itself or just simply collapses.

Dr. Bolo said that there's nothing to worry about. i assume that he has officially regarded me as one of those people who think they are sick but they are not.
should i feel fine after the consulting? but i do feel the uneasiness and minor pain.
he also said that drinking alcohol was not leading to those symptoms that i was talking about.


whatever





 

alcohol free alcohol

it's kinda difficult to be alcohol-free while there's free alcohol.



that's the dilemma.
or it's not.